


Once Upon a Time: This Totally Tall Dude

by tklivory



Series: Fractured Thedas Tales [8]
Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Fractured Fairy Tale, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-09
Updated: 2011-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-27 02:49:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/290839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tklivory/pseuds/tklivory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Like, hey kiddies, make a circle and, like, hear the tale of, like, this totally tall dude and his, like, totally gnarly wicked sword!  Or soul.  Um, I forget which.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Upon a Time: This Totally Tall Dude

**Author's Note:**

> Dailana Cousland, sadly, didn't learn much during the Blight except that fighting Darkspawn broke waaaay too many of her fingernails, armor should totally be chosen based on appearance, and that the Qunari are, like, weird. She started out as a fluffhead, and ended as a fluffhead. Luckily for Fereldan, she also made one (and only one) selfless decision in her life and fed herself to the Archdemon.
> 
> Crisis averted.

_Once upon a time_ (or what _ever_ ), there was, like, this totally tall dude locked up in a cage in some podunk little town called Lothering. I mean, _seriously_ , this town only had, like, _two_ shops, and I had to, like, _yell_ at some grody peasants to let me get at one of them. Yeah, I know, what _ever_ , right?

Okay, so like, anyway, there was this totally tall dude in some rinkydink cage. So I tried, like, talking to him, but he, like, blew me off! _Me!_ I was all, like, "As if, dude, what _ever_!" and was _so_ going to leave him to the Darkspawn, but then the hottie - I mean, Alistair – pointed out that we could probably use some more help, and that maybe, if the totally tall dude came with us, I wouldn't break as many fingernails. So, I rolled my eyes and was all, like, "Fine!" and made the crazy Chantry chick unlock his cage. Then I had to, like, _persuade_ the totally tall dude to come with us! I was, like, "Bee tee em, take a chill pill and _get with the program!_ " I mean, he finally decided to come with us, but, I was like, _duh!_

So, anyway, it turns out that the totally tall dude's name was Sten (um, yeah, what _ever_ ) and he was a Qunari or something. I figured out real fast that Qunari must mean clueless, because he didn't understand, like, _anything_. I mean, I picked out some totally gnarly armor for him, and he was like, "This does not provide adequate protection," and I was like, "But it looks majorly _sweet_!" He wanted to wear this totally bogus full plate armor that would have, like, _totally_ covered those killer muscles he was sporting. Yeah, gag me with a spoon, right?

And then he started going on about how, like, women shouldn't fight or something. I mean, _duh!_ How stupidly old-fashioned can you get? So I rolled my eyes at him and, like, told him to take a chill pill, because I was, like, totally _excellent_ at fighting and he should feel, like, _privileged_ to even _fight_ with me. So then he, like, totally attacked me! I was like, _Um, as if, dude!_ So I whipped out my sweet dual daggers and totally wailed on his sorry Qunari ass, and afterwards, he was all, like, "You are not quite as callow as I thought. That is unexpected." I was like, "Um, what _ever_ , dude, just don't let it happen again."

So anyway, after, like, gallivanting around the world and having to deal with some totally bogus and grody dudes who, like, _soo_ didn't get the program and had to be, like, _forced_ into the realm of the chill pill, the totally tall dude finally clued me in on why he's, like, such a downer. Turns out that he didn't have, like, some special magic soul sword or something. Yeah, _way_! He actually said that the sword was, like, his _soul_ or something. What _ever_. I was, like, really tired of his whining, though, so I was all, " _Fine_ , let's, like, find this bogus sword or whatever."

So we _finally_ found the sword in some _podunk_ little town called Redcliffe Village (oh, and I, like, totally found out that the hottie was, like, a prince or something. Bee tee em, like, _seriously?_ ) So I had to, like, get all, "Um, look, shorty, just, like, give me the sword," and the midget was all, like, "No _way_ " and I was like, "Yes _way_ " and he was like, "No _way_ " and I was like, "Yes _way_ " and he was like, "Over my _dead body_ " so I was like, "Fine, what _ever_ " and capped his sorry ass. _Duh!_

Okay, so I _finally_ got the special soul sword, or what _ever_ , and gave it to the totally tall dude. Sten was all like, "Strange. I had almost forgotten it: completion. Are you sure you are a Grey Warden. I think you must be an _ashkaari_ to find a single lost blade in a country at war." And I was like, "What _ever_ , just don't forget it." Then he like started calling me _kadan_ or something, whatever _that_ means.

So after that, we were totally, like, BFF, and he did whatever I told him to. Yeah, totally sweet, right? Turns out the totally tall dude wasn't so bogus, after all.

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Ashkaari - "One who seeks"; scientists, philosophers, or those who seek knowledge
> 
> Bee tee em – BTM, or By the Maker (Thedas equivalent to OMG)


End file.
